Friday, June 18, 2010

Musinex Frogs and Other Myths

It was recently called to my attention that (dun, dun, dun) there is no Musinex frog. That's right. Commercials for the cough suppressant actually feature a talking ball of phlegm clothed in a wife-beater and suspenders. Lame! I mean, what kind of mascot is that? Flem doesn't talk nor does it wear clothes because a) that is just so unrealistic and b) it would be very messy and sticky.
So this little misunderstanding got me thinking: What other concepts have I mistaken for entirely different concepts (like say, lung-dwelling reptiles) that apparently are strikingly obvious to anyone else.

My childhood dreams ruined sugar cereals. When I was little, I was never allowed to have an unhealthy breakfast. While I was taunted with commercials of smiling little shits stuffing their happy faces with colorful puffs and chocolaty flakes as their obesity-pushing mom's looked on with blissfully ignorant approval (News Flash: Adding a glass of orange juice and a banana to a bowl of sugar does not make it a complete breakfast.) I was forcing the senior citizen special of Grape Nuts and Raisin Bran softened with non-fat milk down my little six-year-old throat. By the way, Honey Smacks - a cereal that, contrary to it's name is not heroine - actually does feature a cartoon talking frog. Yay.

Anyway, I grew up with the impression that I was missing out on these little morning meals of heaven. In my early teens I was finally given the opportunity to try some of these illusive cereals. So. Disappointed. First of all, Lucky Charms does not consist entirely of wonderful, delicious marshmallows. No. I would say the ratio of wonderful, delicious marshmallows to crappy, little cardboard crap-morsels is probably only 1 to 20. And don't get me started on Cookie Crisp. Those aren't cookies! For the first 13 years of my life I envisioned Mini Chips Ahoy floating gloriously in a bowl of milk. But disk-shaped corn flakes with brown spots do not equal chocolate chip cookies.

Now I know I may be going up against a whole movement of sugar cereal lovers everywhere, but look where I'm coming from. Imagine being a kid and thinking Candyland was an actual place. You get a little older and finally venture out there, only to find that Candyland is actually just a bunch cafeteria desserts.

Huey Lewis is not ordering me to hit the B square. When I was younger (again, another childhood misconception - a statistic causing me to believe that perhaps I was a very stupid child), my parents would often play a tape of Huey Lewis and the News on road trips. Ah, dorky white families in the '80s. Being a very stupid child, I would gaze out the window from the backseat with absolutely no intelligent thoughts of my own and let whatever images the lyrics produced play numbly in my head. One might argue that this was not a sign of stupidity, but it is important to note that this is all I did. No matter how long the road trip, no matter how many times I had heard the song before, no new or independent thought ever stemmed from this exercise. What made it worse is that I often had the lyrics wrong.

Lewis's hit It's Hip to Be Square was Hit the B Square in my world. Forget the fact that this statement, or command rather, made absolutely no sense. There I would sit, swinging my dumb little legs, imaging someone hitting a cement square with an engraved B with a stick. And get this. Every time this "B Square" was hit, it would light up like the sidewalk Michael Jackson walks on in Billie Jean. I don't even remember when I realized my mistake, but I don't think I ever told anyone. That is until now, my beloved Internet universe of strangers.

I was going to provide an (embarrassingly long) list of misconceptions, but it's now 2pm and I'm still in my robe and this post is already turning out to be a lot longer than expected. Feel free to save me from drowning in stupidity by outing your own and share a misconception. Please?

13 comments:

  1. It took me SO LONG to realize that in the Gatorade commercials the people had so much Gatorade in them that they were sweating it. I just thought that it was a neat effect, end of story. Literally years of this and I finally had the epiphany moment. My father thought I was crazy. And probably stupid.

    My worst lyrics story is the White Zombie song, More Human Than Human. I swear to god up until last year I thought the chorus was, "Ma you-da bam bam, you da bam." =/

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  2. I agree with u on the cookie crisp. Huge disappointment there. I always thought the song " na, na, nah , na hey hey goodbye" was " na, na , nah, na doo wap"

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  3. Mine was discovering that Apple Jacks cereal just tasted lie Cheerios smothered in applesauce.

    Also, Sugar Bear is a total dick.

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  4. I have to say, I love both Lucky Charms and Cookie Crisp but I grew up on the sugary cereal. Maybe you had all this hype built up and the didn't produce as much as they should have because you expected ambrosia.

    I enjoy the cardboard pieces in Lucky Charms. The best cereal was French Toast Crunch before they changed it--itty bitty pieces of bread that tasted like awesome. They changed the recipe so it's like Cinnamon Toast Crunch but labeled something else.

    Either way. Everyone grows up with misconceptions. Plus, now they give us entertaining blog posts. :)

    Love the blog, it'd be awesome if you could check mine out sometime :) withmonsters.blogspot.com

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  5. Hey - Your blog rocks!

    The way you feel about sugar coated cereal is how I feel about fast food. I grew up with a large garden, eating fresh and frozen produce all year. I was 17 before I ate at McDonald's (there wasn't one in our town) and was sooo disappointed.

    The song lyric I mis-heard and sang loudly was The Who's "Let My Love Open The Door." I heard, sang and pictured: Let Milo open the door!

    http://www.tapestryowl.blogspot.com/

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  6. I just found your blog sort of randomly - I was drawn to your title, which made me think of this book called "Pirates! In an adventure with Scientists" which is hilarious, if you can find it anywhere.

    I was also not allowed to eat sugar cereals until I was a teenager, and experienced similar disappointment.

    And I also thought that song was saying "hit the B square" until RIGHT NOW. So thank you.

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  7. Oh, I always thought that when my mom and aunt said "it's in the genes" they means jeans! I'd always look down at my pants in puzzlement...

    I just realized which "frog" you were talking about...heh heh. Quite gross, yes?

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  8. I absolutely LOVE this post and never ate those cereals even though I grew up in the 50's. I think Snap, Crackle, Pop and GREATTTT was all I needed.

    Count Chockula--a cereal that might bite back--NO THanks!!

    And anything that left milk a different color than WHITE--well, you might as well mix in Green PHLEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHm

    Greeeeeeeat Stuff! 5 Lucky (Charms)--Stars!

    John

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  9. ok, just happened past yer blog here and i HAD to share (because i'm named lindsay too! weird.)....

    i have a moment that combines the two themes of the above post (cereal and misheard lyrics): when i was really young, i LOVED madonna. to the point of obsession. so imagine my surprise when my (younger!) brother corrected me when i was singing 'cheerio girl'...aka 'material girl'. and it was right inside a music store!!!

    so embarrassing. and now the internet has TWO lindsays to make fun of, with our misheard lyrics and weird early retiree parents. (seriously. sugary cereal was the devil at my house! shredded wheat reigned.) :)

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  10. Love your blog. I thought Laura Branigan was singing about Gloria and the "area" she was living under. "alias" kinda does make more sense.
    The used to be a website called "kiss this guy" (misheard for kiss the sky by the person who started the site) where people posted misheard lyrics. One night, after I had been on it, my husband got on the computer and wanted to know who was the guy and why was I reading about kissing him!
    Thanks for the laugh.

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