Monday, April 5, 2010

Fake Cheese: I Will Love Again

The 99c store and I aren't speaking. I went there the other day to buy an accordion folder (and then a liter of artificially-flavored peach lemonade carbonated beverage, a 5-pack of Bubble Yum Bubble Gum and beef jerky). Walking past the perishable foods section, I was immediately drawn to a bag of shredded cheese.

Now I've always told myself that I will never buy anything edible at The 99c Store with a life durability weaker than that of a cockroach. Well, that and condoms. Anyway, I saw this cheese and my vow against food cheaper than a dollar began to waiver. I mean, I'm a regular connoisseur of Jack in the Box's 99c tacos (TWO for a dollar!) and was literally (and pathetically) delighted when Wendy's added spicy chicken nuggets to their value menu (ALSO 99c). Actually, now that I think of it, I never order anything over a dollar from a fast food chain. So what was my problem? Besides, I needed cheese. How else was I going to make my famous quesadillas? (1 flour tortilla, 1 handful of cheese. Microwave for 30 seconds. Eat. You're welcome.) And this was Mexican-style cheese! So now my quesadillas would taste Mexican! Once again, I was sold.

I think it might have been late the next night (and after a few glasses of wine) that I set to work in the kitchen, exercising my Hispanic culinary skills. But Step 2 of my recipe (microwaving) did not deliver the expected result of melted cheese. Maybe the microwave wasn't working properly? I re-heated for another 30 seconds. No dice and no melted cheese. But my tortilla (1 flour tortilla) was so hot it had begun to take on a nasty, gooey quality. So I ate it.

Still curious about the cheese and determined to solve the mystery of its non-melting properties, I grabbed the bag out of the refrigerator. It read: MEXICAN SHREDS: Pasteurized Process Topping Pasterizado Procesado Coberturas. Awesome.

So I'm a bit upset with The 99c Store. I invest a lot of late-night snacking happiness in cheese, and when I find that I am in fact not eating cheese but pasteurized processed shreds made with powdered cellulose, I get a little upset. Now I know that The 99c Store never promised me cheese; it did, in fact, state that it was proving me with pasterizado procesado coberturas. But I guess I just got a little ahead of myself, what with all the delicious beef jerky and aisles of make-up tools that may or may not gouge your eye out.

Maybe we're just not at That Place yet. Maybe I said some things I shouldn't have and maybe I threw my "cheese" bag angrily on the ground (only to pick it back up, lovingly smooth out the plastic creases, and gingerly place it back in the fridge). I just need a few days to regain my trust and we'll be fine. Besides, I'm running low on I Be Profin.


  1. Throw that "cheese" away, right now! You do not need to eat something that will still be standing with the cockroaches after the apocalypse... 7-11 is also thrifty, and I would trust their cheese, so take a quick trip and you'll be set.

  2. I used to frequent a dollar store that had a frozen foods section where I would cringe at the variety of knock-off frozen dinners, chicken wings, and 'bacon'. On closer inspection the label on the 'bacon' read "Does not contain meat" - It had a picture of a pig on the front! WTF is up with that?! I advise you to throw that nasty shiz out post haste!

  3. Did you know that a cockroach can even live without its' head for up to one week. Therefore, you may want to come up with a new rule. Maybe say, instead of a cockroach, an ant or a rhinoceros?

  4. Did you try cutting the cheese?


  5. You kept the cheese? Don't keep the cheese. Put the cheese in the trash and wait for the Sunday paper so you can clip out coupons and buy real cheese on sale.

  6. Ewwwwww! Why did you keep it? Bleh!

    I guess if one is desperate enough for cheese... No, not even then. It didn't MELT? :-o