Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Importance of The and A Blog Award

If Obama came up to me and said, "Hey Lindsay, I'll give you a million dollars and let you ride with me to Hawaii on Air Force One and buy you a puppy if you stop reading Kate's I Am The Worst Blogger everyday, I'd be like, "No, thanks, Mr. President. Kate's the shit and now she's even more the shit because she gave me an award." Then I'd be like, "Blam!" and show him this

Thanks, Kate! By the way, I just realized the importance of the word "the". Take, for instance, me calling Kate "the shit". To refer to someone as "the shit" implies their coolness, their ability to rock in the figurative sense, and/or their general all-around superiority. However, omitting the "the" redefines the subject as simply "shit", or excrement. So, Kate is definitely THE shit (Obabma still is too) and now I present you with 10 Things That Make Me Happy....

  1. Money Pants. Money Pants are a pair of pants you put on that you haven't worn in a long time, only to find there is money in the pocket. You might also find a note reminding yourself to do your laundry which explains the smell coming from the pants.

  2. The Taco Truck. The Taco Truck is a magical, Cinderella-esque place. When the clock strikes 2am and alcohol has been absorbed into the bloodstream, cuisine from this mobile miracle becomes delectable. I don't care if the carne asada is actually corned cow ass, just wrap it up in a burrito and I will happily stumble on my way.

  3. Making People Fall Down. You know, when an old lady is trying to cross the street and you act like you're going to help her, but then you push her into traffic and yell, "Gotcha, Grams!" Kidding. KIDDING. But really. I train a martial art, Capoeira, and there is no better feeling than taking someone down. Which leads me to one of the 10 Things That Specifically Do Not Make Me Happy: being taken down.
  4. Q-Tips. You and I both know that there is no better feeling than shoving those pointy little cotton sticks into your ear right after a shower, swirling it around, and observing the yellow residue it collects. And if I'm a guest at your house and I use the bathroom, I am not above taking advantage of any Q-tips in plain sight...or in the medicine cabinet or in that little drawer by the toilet.

  5. Re-Heated Pizza. Pizza the first time around - right out of the oven, out of the box, whatever - is great. Pizza re-heated in a microwave to the point where all the cheese and toppings goup together in gooey, nuked matrimony is greater.

  6. Dramatic Reading of a Real Break-Up Letter. I have to credit Allie from Hyperbolie and A Half for this one. She used to have the link on her page. It goes to something different now, but you can still find it on youtube. Ah, young love - school dances and touching someone's hands for stupid reasons. Read it. You'll see what I mean.

  7. The Snooze Button. In your face inventor of the alarm clock! Ten minutes of sleep (and another and another) is never quite as appreciated under any other circumstance
  8. Sporks. Generally, I prefer spoons over forks. Spoons allow for maximum volume of food consumption per utensil lift and are not bothered with those nasty little slits found in forks that permit sauce/grains/crumbs/cheese slivers to escape. However the fork is much more adept at the initial food contact, ensuring a secure grasp by piercing said food and maintaining hold until the desired location (i.e. your mouth) is reached. And so - the spork. Ta-fucking-da.

  9. Head Massagers. These things look like a cross between a giant whisk and an electric chair helmet (pretty sure that's not the correct term.) But they feel AMAZING. Funny that it took humans so long to invent this when dogs have been getting their heads scratched for years.

  10. Friends and Family. Yeah, had to say it. I am truly blessed to have so many people in my life that are each wonderful and amazing in their own way...and are all crazy enough to love and care about me back. Aww.

So, ahem, had something in my eye. Anyway, now I shall pass this award on to 10 more worthy bloggers. (Weird. For some reason, I just heard James Earl Jones' voice saying that as I typed it. Try it, makes it sound really important.)

The above are all some more people who are THE shit, not to be mistaken with shit.


  1. Thanks for the Award Lindsey!

    And here I thought I was the only one who enjoyed the satisfaction of q-tip journeys.

  2. oh shit! I spelled your name wrong. my bad!

  3. I LOVE money pants! Money panties? Well, that would be, um, different.

    I wanted to point out that you said alcohol enters your bloodstream at 2pm. That would be 2:00 in the afternoon. Is that right? Because if it is, I wanna hang out with you.


  4. @Tony: Your welcome!
    @Janina: Good catch! I'd have to say MOSTLY 2am...unless I'm at a bbq, or on vacation, or it's Sunday.

  5. First off, Congrats on the new bling!
    Second, thanks for passing some of it my way. I truly appreciate it! It will look good with my cape and purple velvet fedora...

    Now I'm off to check out the blogs of the others to whom you have also mentioned (did that sound stupid?)

    thanks again!

  6. I'm not gonna lie, Lindsay. This award just totally effing made my day! You rule so hard.

  7. Congrats and thanks much for the mention. Wow! :)


  8. Wow! Thank you so much! This totally made me smile! :-) I look forward to passing the award on to other bloggers who are "the" shit!!!

  9. I couldn't agree with you more on the following: Q-Tips, Re-heated pizza and The Snooze Button. However, from one Q-Tip lover to another, I say be careful; I'm fairly sure I've perforated an eardrum.

  10. Lindsay - you have some visitors coming...


  11. Hi Lindsay! Just came over from Pat's blog. Looking forward to reading more!

  12. First I would like to thank God and the academy....oh wait, where the fuck do I think I am?

    Thank YOU! I am honored! I promise to post an acceptance post soon...my blogging has been hindered by incredibly inconvienient computer virus, but hopefully I'll be up and running soon!

  13. Those were great and hilarious. I loved the Q-tip one, that is so true. It's like a mini orgasm in ur ear. I think I will go stick one in right now. Great stuff...lol

  14. O.M.G....

    I wandered on over here after finally finishing binding a quilt, which always makes me want to go postal by the way, and see my insignifcant and inconsequential blog of ramblings has got a cool award.

    Lindsay, you are totally the shit. Thanks for making me laugh...and probably saving the lives of many in the process...I'm still coming down from that f*****g binding. Don't ask me why I quilt- I should take up Valium as a hobby. Or scrapbooking- scrapbooking people always look happy and smug.

    Ok, I'm rambling..

  15. I love money pants! They're much more pleasant than "crumpled bill pants."

  16. Thanks so much! Been out of pocket lately, so I am just now discovering this. Much appreciated!

  17. Yep,

    Definitely in the right place, as if I had any doubts!

    Great stuff,


  18. Hey Lindsay, in case you didn't know Elizabeth Shibboleth steals most of her content from other blogs (The Oatmeal and Hyperbole and a Half to name two).