Saturday, March 13, 2010

Ball-Scratching: A Contemplation

I don't have balls, and I have nothing against those who do, but what I do not understand is why those that do feel the need to scratch them in public. I mean REALLY all-up-in-there, poison-ivy kind of scratching.

Just the other day, I was walking home. I was waiting on the corner (yeah, very funny) at an intersection waiting for the light to change. Directly across from me stood a young man, decently dressed. It's important for me to mention that he was decently dressed so it is not confused that he a) was wearing an overcoat and ONLY an overcoat b) was wearing Tevas and a shirt that read: F.B.I.: Female Body Inspector or c) a garbage bag.

So we're standing there. The street was empty and there wasn't really anyone else around so I know he can see me, right? And - despite what is commonly learned in standard Peek-A-Boo drills and assuming his social awareness extends beyond that of a 2 year-old - he knows I can see him, right?

Decently Dressed Young Man then reaches into his pants, grabs a big wad of ballage, and scratches himself. And it wasn't for just a second. No. It was like he was re-arranging furniture in there or something. Then, when his right hand got tired, he switched! Inappropriate AND lazy! Man, if you're gonna have the balls to scratch your balls in public, at least build some stamina. You know people are gonna stare at you, so be impressive!

Oh yes, I stared. And I'm one of those people whose face reflects exactly what she's thinking. If someone had been watching me, I'm sure they would have thought I was trying to convert Mandarin to Russian in my head. (Or maybe they would have just thought I was a pervert watching some guy scratch himself.) My expression probably followed along something similar to this timeline: curiosity to inquisition to recognition to "What the fuck?!" to disgust to unimpressed (at the stamina, among other things) to "I'm soooo going to blog about this."
Finally, the little tweet, tweet of the pedestrian signal snapped me out of my little, ball-scratching world. We crossed paths, avoiding eye contact, and (me) making SURE to avoid any hand contact.

I walked the rest of the way home like a little snob. I had just had an interview that seemed to go pretty well, so I added a little swagger to my stride. Whenever I'm dressed in business attire and walking downtown, I like to pretend I'm very important. Nevermind the fact that it was the middle of the afternoon and I was walking home and not to Starbucks on my lunch break and I was surrounded by joggers and moms with strollers.

My mind wandered about human behavior and why particular humans seem to have no distintion between private behavior and public behavior. Drawing an analogy of the picking-your-nose-in-the-car syndrome, I was feeling quite proud of myself. I got home, threw my stuff down, and checked my business-savy self out in the mirror - to realize that the crotch of my pants had slouched down creating a faux weiner. Yes. Gross. I turned to the side. Hmmmm. Business-savy? No. Hot shit? No. Expert on managing private parts (real or fake) in public? No.

Moral of the story: Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone because you might have a fake penis.


  1. That was pretty damn funny!
    Some people are just in their own little world. Kinda like women always reaching into their blouses to adjust their bra straps...

  2. Fake wiener = a little embarrassing

    Hands down pants in public = disgusting, unsanitary, and disturbing

    I always find a way to embarrass myself when I'm dressed up and think I'm hot shit. I'm glad I'm not the only one. :)

  3. Hahaha, I just stumbled across your blog, this particular post, and I feel like I'm bitching with an old friend.

    Don't worry too much about your possible fake weeny. Ball-itcher didn't even notice and the moms and joggers now have a story like yours to blog about!

    Just be sure to adjust the pants or donate them to Goodwill!

  4. PS - I have an award for you on my newest post! :)

  5. LOL I just stumbled upon your blog and that was too funny. I don't understand the obsession men have with their genital accessories either but then again I'm just thankful I have an inny and not an outy to have to deal with.

  6. I'm glad you stared. I stare at inappropriate things too. I like to think that person can read my mind and that in doing so they'll learn something and I will have helped someone.

  7. I too am unemployed, tho I do not have a fake weeenis, allow me to share a few random acknowledgements: I found you through Sassy, whom I think is hilarious and when she posts photos of cookies that people send her I try desperately not to lick my screen (Ive recently started a diet)... and, quite honestly, I've formed an addiction to going back to her blog to see that photo of those gorgeous cookies worse than a teenager to Facebook.

    Anyhow- I just wanted to point out that you, lady, are a fkn riot and I crack up at you, whilst unemployed and dreaming of chocolate chips.

    If I knew how to give you an award, I would.

    Thanks for being hilarious.